Top 30 Excuses for not Coming to Work

Want to take a mental health day but are having trouble coming up with a good excuse? I scoured the web in search of the best excuses for not coming to work, and here are my top 30 finds. If by the end of this list you still need more inspiration, check out this site.

  1. If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
  2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.
  3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e * log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
  4. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
  5. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…
  6. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine at Wal-Mart.
  7. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
  8. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
  9. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
  10. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
  11. The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
  12. I won’t be in today. My home is flooded and I’m currently standing on my dresser in my second story bedroom.
  13. I have a bad case of diarrhea, gas, or food poisoning.
  14. I am not coming in because I tried to dye my hair blond, but it came out green!
  15. My dog is having puppies and I need to help her.
  16. I won’t be able to make it to work today due to my Aunt flying in from ______________, you see, she has one arm and two pieces of luggage and really needs me to be there for her.
  17. Don’t call, don’t write, don’t let anyone know what’s going on – take an extra week, or two. Then when you are ready to go back to work, just call up your boss and say…. ” Don’t pay the ransom – I escaped! “
  18. I’m sorry I was late, I forgot to look at my watch!!!
  19. I called in and told them my front door fell off my house!
  20. I’m sorry that I’m late for work today boss. I stayed home to wait for the cable guy. Then I remembered that you don’t pay me enough for me to have cable. So here I am. 
  21. Sorry I’m late, but I couldn’t get my car started. Boss: Why not? Employee: I was asleep.
  22. Sorry….I over slept and I forgot to come in for the first day of work at my new job. Is it OK to come in tomorrow?
  23. I’m sorry I am late, but it was foggy and I missed the building.
  24. I can’t make it to work for the next couple of days , my leg’s in Kentucky. (He has an artificial leg)
  25. I thought that I’d be more productive if I didn’t come in today.
  26. I dropped my car keys in the snow and I’m waiting for the temperature to warm up so I can find them.
  27. I can’t come to work today. My house is burning down and the fire engine’s blocking my driveway.
  28. I won’t be in today….I’m calling in dead.
  29. The blankets were too heavy for me to lift so I was stuck in bed all day.
  30. I’m really just working from home for free!

Enjoy your day off!

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