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With all the talk about the recession, job insecurity and lay offs, here are a few business jokes to lighten things up a bit.
A new business was opening and one of the owner”s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”. The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. “Sir, I”m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location!”
Your First Worry
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.”I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I”m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”"Excuse me?” the accountant said.”I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.” “I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?” “I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”"Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that? “That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for? “The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. “The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette? “The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding? “And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one. “The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can ‘t wait that long. ”
A Professional Quiz
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a “professional.” Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Wrong Answer!
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do
you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
Employee Want Ad Translations
Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make “cold calls” on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.
Equation of Earnings
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
Work = Power * Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work = Knowledge * Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work Money = ---------- Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard’s math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.
Sensitivity in the workplace is an important issue for many large companies and small businesses.
The wrong words, actions or discourse can result in a dysfunctional working environment, human resource nightmare or a dangerous legal matter.
Workplace sensitivity training is becoming common practice for most businesses. Obviously some of those exposed to the training are more open to others and I’m sure you can imagine certain businesses that might not be so open to utilizing such training. I may have taken the idea a little far with this comic, but it’s all in good humor; enjoy!
Staying ahead of your competition is not always easy. Life as a business owner can become increasingly difficult if your market is divided by your competition or your competition’s offer renders your product or service obsolete.
I created this comic for those small business owners who understand this best from experience…
Another boring day at the office? Is tension at work running high? Are you tired of staring at the same four walls of your cubicle? If so, check out these wacky gadgets to lighten and brighten your office.
“Basically Nabaztag/tag is a desktop companion that utilises Wi-Fi technology to fetch information from the Internet and convey it in various charming ways. Confused? You won’t be, because you’ll soon be relying on this cute little critter to tell you the time, wake you up, read the news, read you messages from friends, check the stock market and give you tomorrow’s weather forecast today. Nabaztag/tag can even communicate with fellow bunnies and get married.”
“Tickle your funny bone with Computer Keys Set — hilarious novelty computer keys stuck to your computer or anywhere else you need a byte of humor! Each has a double-sided tape base so it sticks to any surface. Sold as a colorful set of 8 — assorted sentiments: Panic Key, Any Key, Beer Key, duh Key, $ Key, Oops Key, Eject and Smiley emoticon face Key.”
“Soft, pliable foam shaped like a baguette cushions your wrist and makes working at your computer more comfortable—and fun. Lunch, anyone?”
No need for a boring desk set. Here you have a Gumby-style Elvis holding your tape, Dimitri the weightlifter holding your CDs, and Dionis, your scissors. These fun characters make your desk a far more interesting place to pass the hours at work.
“Holds Business Cards & Tells Time! Desk-top conversation starter is a scaled down replica of an office filing cabinet! Complete with LCD clock/calendar and A-Z index cards (included) to organize over 800 business cards in two drawers.”
“A cup that is designed for people who share workplace facilities such as a kitchen. The cup has a hole which prevents people from using it. Only the owner of the cup can use his shaped key to close the hole, our the coffee and enjoy the drink.”
“…we brought forth this three stage system to help protect everything in your cubicle – and beyond. Each unit has an ever-watchful motion sensor. The first line of defense is lovingly referred to as Alarm 1. When Alarm 1 is tripped two very important things happen. First, it flashes and klaxons to signal an intrusion. But (and this is the kicker) it also arms Alarms 2 and 3 using invisible wireless signals. Alarm 2 also has an audible alarm, but it is louder than Alarm 1. It also will spot the varmint with a red light beam. Alarm 3 is the coolest; when it is tripped two safe (but surprising) missiles will be launched at the now-fleeing interloper. You valuables will be safe, your cubicle will be secure, and your foe will be embarrassed enough to leave your stapler alone for good.”
“The victim will pick up the pen, and, without even a nub of conscious motion, their thumb will immediately migrate to depress the top of the pen in hopes of discovering a fine new writing instrument. Instead, as they depress, they will complete a circuit that creates a small magnetic field, which then simulates an alternating current and provides relatively high voltage to the depression point on the thumb. It all happens in a split second, as will the screech and instant profanity, but the office memories will last a lifetime…”
“…Dilbert Cubicle Periscope will allow you to spy on coworkers from the safety of your cubicle walls. Comes as a simple tape assembly easy to construct. Even Dilbert’s co-workers could accomplish it–after three meetings.”
“Why would anyone possibly want a doorbell on their cubicle? Typically, visitors knock loudly on the cubicle partion, shuffle/stamp their feet, or clear their throat repeatedly to get your attention. The Cubicle Doorbell provides a fun way for visitors to announce their arrival…. The unique 3-position volume selector lets you set the loudness for your particular environment. Normal (for environments with average background noises); Soft (for less active environments); Personal (extra soft for very quiet environments).”
Have any of these? Let me know if you like them. Have some other cool toy you want to tell me about? Send me a link.
Many small business owners operating out of a home office might not be aware that their business policy might not come through for them when they need it most.
Check out the latest comic I made to illustrate this point.
Of course it can also work in reverse as well making coverage of your home insurance policy limited to non commercial activity.
Make sure that this doesn’t happen to you!
Learn how to protect your small business with the right insurance policy.
Here is my latest attempt to bring humor to the business financing industry. Everyone knows how tough it can be to get a loan, especially a business loan in high risk verticals without any collateral.
Hope you enjoyed the comic!
OK, I’ll post two jokes just to be fair – showing both sides of the story.
First, the way most of us would see it:
A Loan Officer died. When he met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he presented himself for admittance to Heaven.
Peter said, “Well, you did a lot of good helping people get homes and you also donated a lot to charity. You even worked with Habitat for Humanity. But you told too many “little lies” to the underwriters and were very rude and unkind to both your processor and office staff.
Because we aren’t sure where you’re going to fit in best, we’ve decided to give you tours of both Heaven and Hell and let you decide where you feel most comfortable.”
In Heaven, the Loan Officer really liked the streets paved with gold and the big mansions, but he found all the harp music to be a bit irksome.
When he toured Hell, he saw that everyone had their choice of playing tennis or golf, chilling by the pool smoking and drinking, or playing cards and dancing in the clubhouse. He said to St. Peter “This is a hard choice! Can I sleep on it?”
When they asked him the next morning, he begged, “Oh please send me to Hell!”
When they opened up the doors of Hell, it had completely changed! It was the stereotypical Hell of torture, fire and brimstone. It was so hot and horrible with people burning and screaming!
Hey this is not what you showed me yesterday!!” the Loan Officer accused, tears and sweat pouring down his face.
St. Peter had a cold and abrupt reply: “I know. Pity you didn’t ‘lock it in’ yesterday.”
The version most loan officers would prefer to tell goes something like this:
A Loan Officer was at the Pearly Gates trying to get in heaven. St. Peter asked him “What did you do when you were living?”. The Loan Officer answered “I was a mortgage loan officer.” St. Peter told him, “Go right into heaven – you’ve already been through Hell!”
Ok, you may have heard this before, but I think its hillarious. Of course, this would never work at FastUpFront, because we don’t ask for collateral! This joke is going to be outdated soon.
A well-dressed blonde woman goes into a bank in centran Manhattan and sits down to speak with the loan officer. She explains to him that she will be traveling to Europe and will need a $5000 loan. The loan officer explains that the bank will need some sort of collateral. The woman produces keys to a Rolls-Royce parked outside. She offers them to the loan manager, along with an envelope containing the car title. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral. As the woman leaves, there are some snickers that she would leave a $250,000 car as collateral for a $5000 loan. One of the bank managers takes the keys and from the loan officer and drives the car himself into the bank’s underground parking.
Two weeks later, the woman comes back and repays the loan, plus $15.43 interest. As she is taking her keys back, the loan officer gets up the courage to ask the question which has been nagging at him: “While you were gone, we looked into your financial situation and we found out that you are a multi-millionnaire. Why would you need a $5000 loan?” She replies “Where else in Manhattan can I leave my car for two weeks, still have it be there when I get back, and only pay $15.43 for parking?”
Who said blondes were stupid?